i think it's brave: to be 29

and say what you want

my coworker and i got married on the same day last september. i overheard him telling my colleague, who was back from maternity leave, that he and his wife are expecting in june. i had a physical reaction, like when people joke about their ovaries hurting but in real life. i was envious! i wanted that to be me!

being 29 is strange. a lot of amazing writers do an incredible job detailing why it can be at times hard to navigate, but i am going to try my hand. this has been sitting in my drafts for about two months, my brain teetering on the edge of whether or not i am ready to release it into the world, as it is not fully flushed out, and may not represent how i feel in the future! but

emily north

reminded me a few weeks ago that writing shouldn’t be perfect, and it was the push i needed. so let’s jump in!

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up until the last few years, we were all doing the same thing: going to school. sure we were doing different activities and sports and arts and camps but, school was pretty much the only expectation. since we were all doing the same thing you could feel inferior or superior in a sense, but you never felt behind or ahead in such an existential way.

but now we are wheeling and dealing in a completely new realm. some people have 2 year olds and some people are single, some are managers at work and some have had 5 different jobs. some people are renting and some are home owners and some are paying off debt and some seem to be traveling every weekend. on top of that, we all watch these lifetracks play out on our phones. when once we only compared our lives to the circle immediately around us, we now compare them to hundreds of people we have met over the course of our entire lives. and it goes in every direction! everyone is jealous! everyone thinks the other person’s sweatshirt looks better a la

Haley Nahman

! it is the real life version of grass is always greener!

as someone who has recently entered the post-marriage track ahead of some of my close friends, i find myself treading lightly when talking about my roadmap (house + baby), so as to not upset someone who is not yet there. have my friends expressed to me that they don’t want to hear about this? nope. they actually even ask me if it’s something i want. i am just in my own head, getting in my own way, per usual.

as it turns out, my brain is not unique in its overanalysis. this came up recently speaking with 2 friends, let’s call them Jane and Jill. Below is a summary of events:

Jane: i am dating my forever partner but we are not engaged. i feel weird talking about that decision with my friends who are single and actively do not want to be.

Jill: it’s hard to talk about wedding planning with friends who are not in the throws of the very specific anxiety and excitement that being a bride causes. i also don’t want to bore anyone with details.

Me: i find it difficult to say out loud that i would like to have a baby, even when someone asks me outright, allowing space for that answer and conversation.

Jane blew my mind when she said, “you shouldn’t feel bad about wanting to have a baby, your body is biologically asking and ready for one, you’re almost 30.” now, she wasn’t saying i am almost 30 so i am past my prime and should have done this years ago. she was saying that biologically, women’s bodies tell them that they’re fertile at this time in their lives. it’s actually quite normal to feel the way i was feeling. there should be no guilt or shame or negativity. just because it is different timing than others around me, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. this feeling of “being early” is especially poignant in new york city, where people my age are not yet having children in a way that perhaps happens in different parts of the country - and even married people are like really? a kid already?

this conversation felt like an anomaly. everyone tends to be teetering on egg shells during these types of conversations, but with so many potential reasons, i can never pinpoint why. a main one is i don’t want to upset someone by lamenting or celebrating my current situation, unaware of how it compares to their own.

then i came across this dolly alderton quote:

“I’ve been thinking a lot about why other people’s life choices, that make them happy, why it feels so personal to us, in this particular decade for women, and what I keep returning to is that no-one wants to be left out. It’s a very primal thing and I think that’s why a lot of these very strange feelings can happen, particularly when all your friends start falling in love, moving in partners, buying property, having children… there’s something that feels frightening if you don’t feel that you’re involved, even if it’s not something you want.”

no one wants to feel left out, YES! but also we, as women, inherently understand the feeling of being left out. and while we come to understand more in our 20s and 30s that being left out is ok, and sometimes preferable, this isn’t what we are talking about here. we are talking about sitting down with someone who you are close with, someone who is in your corner and you in theirs, and not wanting to make them feel left out. finding the line of being respectful of their circumstances while talking about your own. acknowledging that you can be happy for each other while also feeling an unwanted itch to compare. *damn you, you little joy thief*

and like dolly says, no one is trying to make anyone feel bad, but we know it happens because it’s happened to us.

for me, it’s not just about how my friend feels, but also how i feel! it’s about wanting to stay close to those friends in my corner, and if we aren’t on the same track anymore, there is the potential for a gap. as we move through these stages at different paces, or create completely different ones from one another, there is less overlap in conversation and priorities and time and all of the things you need to maintain a friendship. so avoiding this all together can be helpful in avoiding that mental spiral.

finding people in the same life stage as you, is therefore an apparent sweet spot. you do not have to worry about leaving people out, because you are all traveling to the same destination at similar speeds. you have similar bumps in the road, similar soundtracks, similar luggage. there is mutual understanding... but unless you have 20 friends, you might not experience this. it is also unrealistic and would make life incredibly sad and boring. i love hearing about all of the different things my friends are doing and the adventures they are embarking on. i like hearing advice of the people who have come before me, and i like being asked for my own advice when i am the one who took the jump first.

what i have learned is that there is never a perfect time, for literally anything. there are opinions of things that should be in place and dollars that should be in the bank and rooms that should be in a house. opinions on weddings and jobs, side hustles and friendships, outfits and travels and spending habits. and not only do these opinions come from close friends but they now come from strangers and podcasts and books and tv.

which is exactly why i think it’s important to have these conversations with people we are close to. because theirs are the opinions we do want to seek out. if you only talk about your life with people doing the same thing, you can quickly become isolated. and let’s face it, we need each other!!! we need to be able to talk to each other about all of these things, especially as girls!!! it is important for our sanity to switch between venting about partners to reality tv to work stress to outfit opinions with the people we adore.

i guess what i am trying to say is that it is not realistic, nor fun, for everyone in your life to be in the same lane as you. but that shouldn’t stop us from getting deep. we can be respectful and thoughtful while also baring our souls. that type of vulnerability gets us through it anyways.

so cheers to 29, and by the end of this year, to 30. may these times bring endless insights and failures and steps both forward and back. and of course, friends to face it all with <3

xo meigs

and in the spirit of being EXTRA BRAVE, here are some pins i saved on a secret board because, well, you now know why it was secret now! disclaimer to all family reading this: bb o is not coming yet, but i am no longer afraid to say i hope one day soon!!!